The Rumble Next to Whiterun
by Kransrednu
Summary: Join a nameless dragonborn in the fight for her life in the most epic battle that that pile of dead mudcrabs had ever seen!


This tale is about a jaunt to Silent Moons,  
>fraught with peril and certain doom.<br>With fire and arrows in the midst of noon,  
>death and horror, and mudcrabs too.<p>

Out from Whiterun we gallivanted  
>when to the north our path was slanted<br>collecting souls to enchant my blades  
>'twas elk and skeevers and wolves we braved.<p>

(Any more than this I hadn't the will,  
>grinding enchantment is a fucking pill.)<p>

So off I stomped like Malacath's wife  
>wasting the critters in my elvish sight.<br>Fireballs flew making caribou stew,  
>blasting to ashes both ram and ewe-<br>I suppose I should mention I was with Lydia too,  
>but she was bored to tears.<br>She carried the gems with a bitch and a whine,  
>cursing old Balgruff for making her mine.<br>"Just a few more hours and then we'll be fine!"  
>I tossed her some skooma to help pass the time.<br>We wandered north in a purple haze  
>when a ruin before me met my gaze,<br>I saw man so I thought I'd say hi  
>until a bandit's arrow whizzed past my eye!<p>

Lydia screamed, "Look out, my thane!"  
>unsheathing the sword we'd just found in a lake;<br>she ran like the wind and my fireball raced  
>as he shit his bricks and I blew off his face.<br>Lydia swung for his buddies and pressed the attack  
>as I bullied their mages with a thunderous crack,<br>but in the midst of it all I heard a howl from out back  
>and a shadow cast over the battle.<br>The bandits scattered as a blizzard rained down,  
>their eyes all teary, their trousers brown.<br>I was ignored for the moment as the dragon touched ground  
>and froze those bandits solid.<br>Lydia, too high to know any better  
>whacked at the dragon as it shouted its letters,<br>her puny arms left its hide unfettered  
>and it smacked her square in the jaw.<br>"MA-MA!" shrieked the bandits as they died two at once.  
>"I YIELD!" screamed the housecarl as she kneeled like a dunce.<br>The dragon took off with my flames at his rump-  
>and then the mudcrabs came.<br>For me or the dragon?  
>for both they were!<br>Two factions of crabs  
>and the tide was turned!<br>One half fell to icy breath  
>and the other fuckers burned to death-<br>but it wasn't over  
>oh not by a shot.<br>For in came the giants-  
>Enraged.<br>At a trot.  
>Their mammoths too, with a trumpet of war,<br>set the tundra a'quake like a great summer storm.  
>They swung for the dragon but it took to the sky,<br>my new allies were waylaid by the beast from on high!  
>Magic streaked from my fingers as I ran to their aid,<br>Lydia outran me in the move that we played  
>and our new friends were focused on the aerial raid.<br>Our presence seemed welcome, and we shared the grass,  
>until a mammoth was furied with a shot to the ass!<br>High as a kite the bint shot him again,  
>and thus we were fought from the sky<br>and the fen.  
>They knocked her out cold<br>and then I was alone  
>against blizzards<br>and mammoths  
>and hammers of stone.<br>What mudcrabs were left  
>they too nipped at my heels<br>as the stampede pursued me  
>and they were trampled and squealed.<br>I ran up the stairs of Silent moons  
>twas a bottleneck of rage in the late afternoon.<br>The dragon descended-  
>a foolhardy move!<br>It was beat to a pulp  
>and I shot at it too.<br>I showered them all 'till the dragon was dead  
>and then dove for its soul through a river of red.<br>I dodged and I shot and I roasted with rage,  
>hiding for a moment in a small stony cage.<br>With my magicka charged I made one final flight,  
>and on a pile of mammoths<br>I ended the fight.

A harrowing day we spent near death,  
>numerous moments could been our last breath.<br>If not for my fire the fight would have caught us-  
>Sovngarde would have had us much earlier on.<br>We collected our spoils, and then stopped for a moment,  
>I opened my menu and looked at the page.<br>I was aghast and I laughed like a moron,  
>because after all I was not a not a new mage.<br>A few fury spells would have been much better mayhem,  
>save us some trouble with a magical rage.<p>

At the end of it all, beyond the confusion,  
>I'd neglected to recall that I'd mastered illusion…..<p> 


End file.
